I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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