how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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