remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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