i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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