Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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