i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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