Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
