You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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