On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
