WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
