If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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