Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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