I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
