i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Couch. On fire.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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