My cat gives me a boner
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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