Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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