Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
