Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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