I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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