Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
