you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
