You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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