My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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