my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
