Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
