I just threw up on my dentist
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'm really busy with my period
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