he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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