If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
