The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
