On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
