she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
