Im at strip club and am horny
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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