I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
