Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
