our cab driver is having phone sex.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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