After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
