Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
