Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
