she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
