I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you had me at cake vodka
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
