I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
either way he was missing a nipple.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
