I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
