My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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