There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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