I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
