Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
