I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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