Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
