why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
