i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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