Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
